Second Verse, Same as the First

February 1st. 10 months after I started (and then immediately abandoned) my weight-loss journey. Ah, well. Oh- and naturally, I am fatter (5 pounds, which brings us to a bone-chilling 192). Kill me now. So, I joined Weight Watchers today, and I already find it annoying. After a while, I guess you get to know what the points are for everything, and how to use the system, but so far, I'm having to search for things like coffee with creamer on the points list. Grr. Also, I sort of made an effort today, but still went over my points allowance. Okay, I'm REALLY tired and pissy, but I hope to feel/sound more gung-ho tomorrow.

So, I'm thinking about those Reebok easy-fit shoes (yes, I would like to be fit and yes, I would like it to be easy...SOLD!). Any thoughts? Also, I have a wii and was wondering if any of the wii fit/wii active thingies are good and/or worth it. Okay, what's with me and the slashes? Again, soooo tired.

So, again... I welcome any and all encouragement, criticism, ass-kicking, shaming, support, ideas, forced cleanses, etc. Giddy-up.

For Ms. Last Chance

Lately, I've been thinking about this line I heard in a movie years ago, from a mother to her daughter, about a loss she'd suffered. It went something like: I have a stone in my heart for what's happened to you.

This is just what I feel for my wonderful, beautiful, heartbroken friend. A cold, hard, heavy, just WRONG feeling in my heart. There is nothing I can do or say, and it's wrenching for all of us who love her, watching her suffer so horribly. And I'm sorry- I'm sure it would not be better if this had happened in March, but the holidays do not help.

She posted a response to someone suggesting that, if she adopts a baby, she won't know what she's missing anyway. God, I hope that in any small way, that's true. Of all the losses she's had and the mourning she's going through, I would be thrilled to think that she's ignorant of some small piece of joy she'd be missing out on, but I doubt it.

You- I just want you to know that I'm thinking about you all the time. It seems that you are not really ready to talk to your "lucky fertiles you like" but if I'm wrong, please say, so I can call. Or come to see you. I'm missing you, and the list of things I wish and hope and pray for you goes on for miles.

Hey Hey Hey

Well, I decided that even though the fatness continues, I can still put WAY more effort into my appearance. I'm going to be the best fatty I can be. To wit: I have purchased (from Target) and implemented Crest Whitestrips AND a fancy Olay skincare regimen. Perhaps my shiny head will distract others from the hot mess below. I have noticed that using the Whitestrips interrupts key gorging times during my day, so this helps somewhat. Maybe I'll just continue using them until my teeth are radioactive, and I can fit into my college jeans. I also got my hair cut, but I'm not sure it was actually an improvement. But, they massaged my head, so it's totally worth it. From Kohl's, I have purchased a handful of items that actually fit me (don't even ask the size- I could puke). Kohl's, I tell you. Swank! As this shopping spree took place the evening before our season-opening game, most of my new garments are "burnt orange". Now, this is not a color one normally stumbles across outside of the UT coop store, so I am enjoying the feeling that not only am I school spirited, but I am also (accidentally) actually wearing a current color. Oh, you know, it's in all the fall lines... Chaps, Dana Buchman, Sonoma. It's white hot.

In hormonal news, I only really had that one wretched day, so maybe this pill will work out after all. Anyway, it's an improvement. I'm hoping that if I feel more positive overall, I might actually be motivated to make some sort of real change. Oh- I did switch from coffee creamer to 1% though. Look out Nicole Ritchie. I saw in the Target ad that M&Ms are on sale. Cute, holiday-themed discount chocolate. Damn them! I must resist!

And here's a little nugget just for fun: All 3 kids have diarrhea. Little J started Thursday, and the fun just keeps on comin'. Nothing says "brand new me" like being up to your elbows in poop.

Crash

Oh well. I had high hopes for this new pill I'm on, but here I am having a psychotic episode. Probably doesn't help that I had both twins in the ER in the past few days for freak accidents. Mommy confidence at an all-time low. Unfit mother as well as unfit fat-ass. How much more of this before the term clinical depression applies? Did I shower today? Nope. Did I even get dressed? Well, I added a bra and shoes to my pajamas (although, pjs are yoga pants and t-shirt). I'm thinking that if I slept in it, probably I should take it off for the daylight hours. Ugh. Can't even complete this post- just sitting here staring at it. Hate. This.

Hey Ladeez

Okay, so- in an effort to re-energize and re-start, I'm updating my iPod (certainly the most proactive step toward weight loss). Somehow, most of the music I own falls into the Patti Griffin/Alison Kraus genre. Not exactly rump-shakin'. I need recs. I DO have some Justin Timberlake (naturally), but otherwise find myself browsing the iTunes store with a duuuhhhh kind of glazed-over expression.

On a similar note, Corbin and I were watching Entourage last Sunday, and the credit track was Straight Outta Compton. We had one of those eyes locked joyful moments of, "I love this song! Wait- you too?!? See, we ARE soul mates". Moreover, Corbin actually OWNED said N.W.A. tape at one time. This prompted many memories of unlikely music choices past. Such as... when getting ready to go out during college, Shauna and I always listened to the soundtrack to New Jack City. Because, you know, we are down like that. Now let me just say, I'm pretty much your garden variety white girl (see above reference to folk music), but my secret love for rap/r&b runs deep. Maybe it's the drill team girl in me. But I do tend to turn down the volume when pulling into a parking lot, in hopes of avoiding puzzled WTF looks from youngsters. But my iPod is my little secret, and I hope to fill it to the brim with explicit lyrics.

Also- my face is starting to slide off of my head and fold and crease in an unsightly manner. Anybody have restorative potions to suggest?

God is great

ThankyouGodthankyouGodthankyouGod... etc. Mama is still cancer-free. Aaaaaaaaaaaah. Just releasing the breath I've been holding for about a month. So yeah, brain mets would have been bad news indeed, but we are in the clear- her onc says it's just the clots from her TIAs, caused by her mitral valve repair.

I'd been having this wierd, robot response to the situation: (monotone)This will not happen. This will not happen. I just couldn't go there again unless I absolutely had to. My mom makes me completely insane, calls my abdomen a poochie, and has all sorts of mom-flaws, but she is also my perfect, irreplaceable, can't-do-without mother, and I'm so, so grateful that she's well. Thank you, Lord. God is great.

Pre-Menstrual Psychosis

Seriously. For about 3-4 days per month, I feel like I must do some/all of the following
ripping my skin off
screaming
crying
running away to parts unknown

Today, for example, I have zero patience for my beautiful (if sassy) children. Do they deserve a mentally unstable mother? They do not. After putting them down for naptime (I imagine that they were as relieved as I was), I had to sob for about 30 minutes, while eating ice cream straight out of the tub. Do I feel better now? No. Now I'm just sadder and fatter.

I had to go back on the friggin' pill to try to get this worked out, and I'm going to try a new one starting Sunday, but so far... no help. My gyn suggested that exercise would also help this issue, which, while I'm sure that's probably true, made me itch to slap her. Yeah, lady, I'm fat. I get it. Did I mention that I'm feeling psychotic? You may want to watch your smart mouth.

It makes me crazy to feel this crazy, because- what's my problem? I'm sitting here in my big new house (actually clean- the service came this morning), with 3 beautiful healthy children, who I am lucky enough to stay home with. Boo hoo. That's the point, though. It's not really ABOUT anything- just brain chemicals on the fritz, but it FEELS like I live this pointless, miserable existence. What a freak.

Anyway.

Updates: My father's wife passed away in her sleep (at a great hospice) last Thursday. He was fairly prepared, and is doing as well as could be expected. My mother is on her way to MD Anderson today, and should get her results on Monday. My mother-in-law got some good news re: cancer markers, but I believe they're still going to remove her ovaries (so, I guess we'll know for sure w/ the path report?). Thanks for the support and well-wishing.