These Things Come in Threes

Ugh. Can we wipe this week off the books? And soooo much more to come. In summation:

1. My mom had an MRI and an MRA to see what's up with the TIA and/or seizure symptoms she's having, but instead they found "something" which she now has to go to MD Anderson about, to rule out brain mets (she had breast cancer 10 years ago).
2. My mother-in-law is having tests to rule out ovarian cancer, after an abnormal exam and then an abnormal MRI.
3. My dad called earlier, bawling. Now, I'm struggling to recall him even teary at, like, a graduation or something. Anyway, he had to sign his wife's DNR today, and it looks like she only has a few more days. Stage IV lung cancer with bone mets (unspeakably painful) and possible brain mets. Bad stuff. We do have a history of discord, but this is my dad, and his anguish is completely unbearable to me.

So yeah, awesome week. Also many mundane irritations, like a near-death Honda Civic to deal with, my first mammogram (actually, not THAT bad), crazy kids, etc. Anyway, I was checking in on facebook, and a friend from high school drill team had posted this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4-94JhLEiN0#watch-main-area

I'm not usually a sap (okay, maybe sometimes), but it just made me feel better. I have joy in my life every day, and I'm so, so grateful. I'm fat, and I have a lot of crap happening, but there's a lot of good stuff in there too. Like when one twin cracks the other one up. 18-month-old giggles are THE BEST. Or this morning, Miss E was consoling Buzz Lightyear (of Toy Story) at the moment he realizes that he is just a toy and not, in fact, a space ranger. "Oh, Buzz. I'm so sorry! It's okay, it's okay".

I guess I'm just all over the place these days. Giggles to tears in minutes. Good practice for menopause. So, keep my entire family in your prayers, and keep away from me with my bad juju.

PS- Also, I'm too stupid to figure out how to add youtube clips to blog posts. Sorry.

Emmy-nominated Jim Parsons

Whenever he's mentioned from here on out, that's what he'll be. I'm so proud, I could puke. And could he have looked more excited? I loved watching that moment with him. For those of you who don't know him, I'm pleased to report that as odd/anti-social/rude as Sheldon is, Jim is the polar opposite. Warm, funny and just all-around fantastic. For example? How many calls and emails must he have gotten today, but he still took the time out to return mine. Love him. Then again, I knew I was backing a winner when we were 9 years old. Congratulations sweet friend, and I can't wait to see you kick Alec Baldwin's ass.

Not on topic, I know, but I just had to send my excitement out into the blogosphere. Naturally, yes, I am still quite portly. If I suddenly become svelte, I will be sure to let you know.

The pic is from the last time I saw him in person, 2 and a half years ago (poor). He was still in New York then, and was always good about meeting me at Grand Central (at the clock, natch), because I'm a big baby about New York, and refuse to venture out unassisted. Look how little Miss E is! Anyway, I'm sure he'll invite me to all the glamorous Emmy afterparties, since a visit is so overdue. Hmm.... what to wear...

Yep. Still Fat.

Just in case you were wondering. So, Corbin had a work party on Saturday, and guess what- I had nothing to wear. The whole ass-is-too-fat-for-everything-I-own thing is further compounded by my allergy to shopping. Hate. It. Partially, I hate it because I'm too big for anything cute, but those who have known me long enough know that my older sister sucked all the style sense out of the gene pool before I got there, and I have looked like crap most of my life, skinny or no. Hey, I have the Jessica McClintock-riddled photos to prove it. Some garments are never a good idea. On anyone. Ever. Yes, that one was for my 8th grade dance- in a lovely virginal white, no less- as if there were any doubt. I have to say that I outdid myself with my prom dress, though. White (again?!?), shirred, sleeves too poofy to be believed. Oh dear.

So anyway, I did my thing where I stood in my closet, looking around, waiting for something to magically appear. Even the things I'm too big to fit into are freakishly ugly. Where do I get this crap? What made me buy it? Conclusion: I own not one single clothing item that I enjoy wearing, or feel good in. That can't be helpful in terms of self-image. So, do I buy motivational cute things in sizes too small? Or, do I get it over with and head over to Lane Bryant? The annoying thing is that it's not that I'm just heavy- I'm also grotesquely deformed, and even in bigger sizes, things don't fit right. Sigh. I really wish they still had that extreme makeover show. That's what I need. That, or I need to find onesies in my size. I've noticed that baby G and I have a similar build (giant belly, jiggly legs w/ rolls), and she walks around in cool, confident comfort every day. Hmm...

Dumela, Mma

Well, I did take a look at the Weight Watchers website. Does that count as progress? Yeah, I didn't think so either. The good news is that (somehow, miraculously) I haven't gained back much of what I'd lost, but neither am I losing the considerable weight I have yet to lose. Here's my new plan: I have decided, based solely on watching The No.1 Ladies Detective Agency on HBO, that I am going to move to Botswana. I so enjoy that they refer to larger ladies as having a "traditional build"- a desirable trait, no less! The main character is outfitted in some quite beautiful dresses, which perfectly suit a woman her size- maybe I could find some at World Market? The language is beautiful, and apart from some considerable political unrest, I think this plan has merit.

So, just as I am a lazy weight-loser, it turns out that I am a lazy blogger also. Naturally, the two are related- what's to tell when I'm just sitting on my ass? Gotta get back in the game on all counts. Although, despite being a lazy blogger, it turns out that I am nevertheless offensive to various family members. That's why I deleted the last post, by the way. My mom forbids that I mention any of my family in future posts. Well, as all of us who have been 14 can easily recall, the surest way to get me to do something is to forbid it. Really, if the readers of this blog know me well, they know all about my criminally insane family members, and for those readers who are strangers to me- they don't know my family, so who cares? Obviously, I have no desire to disparage my loved ones, but our history of teasing and verbal abuse goes back generations, so... it's all in good fun- or at least, that is my intention. And okay, the mommie dearest post was a little harsh, so I'm sorry if your feelings were hurt (even if you did start it by calling my midsection a poochie, but I digress...).

Okay, so I have some questions about WW. WHY does it work- I'm not sure I get it. How should I use it so that I get the most out of it. Any tips/suggestions would be really helpful.

Reason of the day: Miss E is going to be 18 and still not know how to swim if I keep avoiding swim lessons based on swimsuit phobia. Also, she LOVES the pool, as much as I loathe it. It's damn hot already and this kid deserves some fun.

Mommie Dearest

Yikes- haven't posted for six days. Lazy. In every way. Also only worked out twice and haven't lost an ounce, natch. Predictably, I lost my zeal early in the game, so I need to get re-energized and find a way to stay focused. Nothing tastes as good as being thin feels, right? My arse. Talk to me after a Krispy Kreme. I keep saying I'm going to join weight watchers, but then I don't for some reason. I honestly believe in it, so I don't know what's holding me back. My guess is that if I do join, then I'll have to actually toe the line- drag.

In inspirational news, I was talking to my mom the other day. You know what's coming. Here's how it went:

Me: So, are you still going to be able to babysit for me when I go for my GYN appointment?
Her: Sure! Don't forget to ask her about your poochie.
Me: My WHAT? (Thinking- is she trying to say coochie? Please, God, no).
Her: You know, whatever you call it- your belly/stomach/thing.
Me: (pause) Stream of expletives.

Okay, so my own mother is referring to my (admittedly severely flawed) midsection as a "poochie". Sigh. Her "support" for the reconstruction of said belly has been unflagging, indeed. She seemed genuinely surprised by my pique as she considers the state of things "not my fault". Debatable. Now, the twins did stretch my skin past the point of no return, that's for sure (see pic of the night before they were born- yikes). However, I might not have ended up with the diastasis if I'd had any abdominal tone to begin with. Also, there is the overlying lardiness to consider. Moreover, I'm not sure that apportioning blame really makes a difference- this is part of my body we're talking about.

I also went shopping (at Target, of course) and was trying on a few things. Yowza. Full-length mirrors are NOT my friend. Actually, I should probably put them up all over my house. I'd never eat another bite.

Alrighty. Back in the saddle.

Weigh-in

Well, I'm at 178.5 in the morning, and still 181 at night. Split the difference? Either way, not much action this week, and no wonder. I had a great brunch with Ashley and Bea, but I am physically unable to resist Kerbey Lane pancakes. Just can't stop myself. Also, I had either a stomach bug or mild food poisoning earlier this week, which didn't prevent my eating as much as you might think, but I certainly had no desire to mount a bike. Ugh.

Okay, so I've decided that I need a celebrity role-model to use as a goal. Whatever, you know you all have that celebrity that you think you are most like. When I was a little girl, people (well, my mother) used to say Brooke Shields- we both have unruly eyebrows and the buck stops there. When I was a tweener, Jennifer Connolly was like my twin! My sister Suzanne claimed Michelle Pfeiffer, which I agreed with, but only in her death scene in Dangerous Liaisons. Ah, the bosom of sisterly love. In fairness, when I was a teenager, my entire family decided my new celeb look-alike was Buster Poindexter (of "Hot, Hot, Hot" fame). Makes you want to join us for Christmas dinner, am I right? Anyway, if I'm being realistic, Kirsty Alley is probably my go-to girl. Kathy Najimy? Okay, but I need ideas for my goal-celeb-body. And let's be realistic. Paris Hilton need not apply (for oh so many reasons- skank). You'd think with my subscription to US weekly, I'd have this covered. Hmmm...

I saw that Corbin pulled a coupon for Shipley donuts out of the valu-pak today. It is sitting on my kitchen island right now. Mere steps away... Discount donuts? As I am notoriously cheap and have a life-long love affair with baked goods, the combination is almost too much to resist. I need to burn it.

What I really need to do is re-think some things. After an okay first week, things have slowed to a crawl. I need to make bigger changes, or I'll never get anywhere with this. I'm thinking maybe Weight Watchers. In nursing school, I seem to remember reading that it's the only program clinically proven to lead to sustainable results. Ugh- I do hate joining things, though. Also, it's clear that biking is less effective than jogging, so I'll have to add that back in. Boo.

Little J has croup, so I did spent some time today with him steamin' it up in the bathroom. They always have saunas at gyms. Is that a weight-loss thing, or just a detox/relax thing? See, I'm thinking my twins could be quite effective weight-loss tools. Already, I carry them up the stairs at least half a dozen times per day. That's over 50 extra pounds, on top of the extra 50 I've already got going. Jeez. No wonder I'm exhausted all the time- and that my knees are grinding down to dust. If only I could get them nursing again. I lost 30 pounds in less than a month after they were born. Hmm... maybe I'll look into wet nursing as a career. Cash and slim thighs? Sign me up!

Reason of the day: Ratted out. So, at Miss E's open house, one of the art projects on display was a rendering of her family, with a little "interview" attached below. Hers reads, "I like to play chase with my mom and dad. We like to go to Target to shop for cookies. We like to go eat at McDonald's and Chik-Fil-A. I love my daddy because he tickles me. I love my mommy because she takes care of my babies. My favorite food mommy makes for me is fried chicken and corn". Okay, there are some cute details there, but overall- what a snitch! I'll admit that we ate fast food way too much right after we moved into the house, but come on. Also- I NEVER cook fried chicken (too time-consuming) or corn (fake non-vegetable). Okay, the Target part is true, but not really something I feel the need to share with the PTA, you know? I guess my girl is keeping me honest, like it or not.