Lent

Okay, I've decided to give up freaking out for Lent. I realize that this is not something I can totally control, but I can make a serious effort to tone it WAY down. It's not helping little J, and it's definitely not helping me. So, I doubt I'll be freak-free for an entire month, but I'm going to try.

I've been procrastinating about making the call to set the appointment with the neuropsychologist, but I'm going to do it when I finish this post. Gotta just dive in- what choice to we have? At this point, I'm hoping for: 1- no diagnosis, 2- Asperger's, or 3- mild autism (in that order). It's weird, the things you can hope for in these situations. A new normal sets in so fast. Also, did you hear about this: http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2010/02/100216221350.htm
So, I'm thinking- okay, we might be able to treat the social aspect, and if he's otherwise mildly affected, he can be a happy, healthy kid. Okay, see there? Time to dial down the crazy.

In fat news, I'm at the same weight as last Monday. However, given the stress of the past week (stress = cramming sugar in my face), and considering that it is my special lady time, I plan to be back on track this week. We're having a cold snap this week (so annoying- ready for spring), but I really look forward to walking. I'm on the old school "fresh air fixes everything" bandwagon, and my head could use some serious cleaning out. Not to mention cleaning the junk out of my trunk.

Little Man

Just- thank you all so much.

Here goes

So, the big news of the day is that my mom's ultrasound of her thyroid came back clear. Still waiting on confirmation from the radiologist, but her internist thinks it looks good, so... whew. We've done the whole cancer thing once already, and soooo do not want to go down that road again. So, now the question is- what IS going on in there? Whatever it is, it's not a malignancy, so I'll take it.

The other thing is this: It's looking pretty likely that baby J is autistic. Both his pediatrician and his speech therapist are strongly suspicious, and I myself have been worried for a while. He's 2 and not talking much (though making great progress in speech therapy). He makes eye contact, but not as well as the girls. He likes to spin toys (or used to, anyway- he sort of dropped that), fixates on toys, plays by himself. Anyway- lots of little things. He's such a smiley, cuddly baby, and so connected to me, and that's the thing that's keeping me up at night. Am I going to wake up one day, and the little boy that I know will just be gone? No connection, no light in his eyes? Will he come home from kindergarten crying that he can't learn something, or can't make friends like the other kids? I don't know what to expect. The spectrum is huge. I'm constantly choking back tears, trying to keep it together. I mean, it's not leukemia, right? I can do special needs, no problem. I'm just terrified that he's going to disappear right in front of me. Or grow up terribly sad and isolated. Oh God, I'm afraid of everything. I'm so afraid and sad, I can barely breathe.

So. Next step is the appointment with the neuropsychologist. I'm hoping she'll toss us out of her office and scold us for wasting her time, but I doubt it. I think it will be better to know, one way or the other.

Maybe

Well, I got a very disappointing "maybe/probably" (when I was praying for a "no way") for stressful item number one on this week's schedule. Item two is tomorrow, and it's a big one. A big, fat NO is REQUIRED, so send out your good vibes for my vague issues. I'll tell all later, but I don't want to spill the beans until all is said and done, and hopefully over.

Weigh in this morning was 185, from 187.5 last week, which gives me 2.5 for the week (more than I deserve, given the Valentine meal) and 7 total since the 1st. Honestly, I could care less. With everything else, I just want to sleep or read or escape my brain in some way. I ate a comfort food lunch, but it's not a super bad one. Just a revolting family macaroni dish (very likely dating back to the depression- has that sort of making-do-ramshackle quality). Corbin's bag-o-temptation remains on the kitchen counter, and I feel like sticking my head in it.

Did I mention that it's my premenstrual psychosis week? That always helps me keep a reasonable perspective on things. What else can I whine about? On the plus side, Miss E's love affair with my midsection continues. She was gazing fondly at it while I was getting dressed yesterday. Me: What are you doing? Her: Looking at your belly. Me: Yeah? Whaddya think? Her: It's... ADORABLE! God, I love her.

Pretty Boring, Honestly

So, tomorrow is weigh-in. Eek! I already know to set my expectations low, because I splurged a bit on Saturday (our Valentine date). My meal was reasonable (grilled chicken and steamed veggies- yawn- such a cliche). But, we had a fatty appetizer and a fatty dessert. And I wasted 7 precious points on a very mediocre margarita. Wine is 2, and a much safer bet, quality-wise. God, I'm soooo boring, talking about points all the time. Last thing- I've been under on points for the rest of the week, so I hope that counts for something. Otherwise, it's back to the brownies. I ain't doing this for nothing.

The wii active is pretty good. At first, I chose the fatty avatar (certainly the most fitting), but as I have to watch her from behind all the time, it was too depressing, and I went for the second-to-fattiest one. Basically, it's the 30 day challenge from that Oprah workout guy. Today was ALL lunges and squats. I may never walk again. Still, it worked for Oprah! Look at her, she's in the best shape of her... oh, wait. Hmmm...

Corbin got me a schmancy new iPod for Valentine's Day. Sure blows my shuffle out of the water! I'm hoping for some (at least) mild weather so I can get going with it. Still need my wobbly shoes too. One of the things I got him was a big gift bag full of peanut m&ms (his fav) which is now pulsing away in the kitchen, like the tell tale heart. He needs to get that thing out of the house.

I feel like I have a few too many things going on right now that I'm keeping to myself, and I've started biting my nails again (which I quit in the 10th grade). I'm not sleeping the best, and I hope that- well, I don't know what I hope. That everything will just turn out fine/go away. I have the sensation of only just keeping the lid on my hysteria. Really should find a yoga class (like that would fix everything). A couple of question marks could potentially be answered this week, so here's hoping.

Muffin Lovin'

It's 9:30 PM, and I have 3 points left. Well, time to go wild. I could probably have 5 M&Ms. Or two apples (yawn). Decisions, decisions. I SHOULD just take my shower and go to bed, but I still have some quality programming to get through on my DVR, and snacking is usually required.

Okay, I want to admit something weird. I actually looked up grocery shopping under my "activity tracker". Naturally, it's not listed, and true, it's not as though I'm panting or breaking a sweat. Maybe it's mental exhaustion, but by the time I get through the store (cajoling with samples and snacks and drinks all the way) and double back for the things on the list that I missed, get bags and kids in the car, get bags and kids out of the car, and unpack everything, I'm totally wiped. I HATE grocery shopping. I wish Georgetown was more like Paris (well, in lots of ways) so I could just pick up quality fresh ingredients at the open air market on my way home from my nude drawing course (or my lover's apartment, or smoking cigarettes by the Seine... you get the idea).

Well, Miss E's love affair with my muffin top continues. She has a new bit where, when we're laying in her bed after story time, she lifts up my shirt, rubs it a little, and gives it a kiss goodnight. Grrrrross. I wonder if she'll love me the same if (when?) I lop that thing off.

Good News, Bad News

Okay, so the good news is that I have lost 4.5 pounds this week, which brings me to a still-super-fat 187.5. Note to Bea: Remember that it's much easier for fatties to lose weight. If I was as tiny as you, (Ha! In my dreams.) I wouldn't be able to budge one pound. The bad news is that, because I lost this weight, I had to re-calculate my points on WW, and now I have LESS. Okay, only 1 point less, but they are precious, let me tell you. Grr.

Also of note is that 187.5 was my "starting weight" from April of last year. Sigh. I remember having plans to actually include myself in holiday photos, to not sweat like a hog at football games, etc. Well, we'll see where we are by April Fool's Day this year. That will be a big day for me. I have entered to win a front-loader washer/dryer (LG) at Home Depot, and they are announcing the winner (me) that day also. I can't wait!

So, I'm getting used to the WW thing, and I sort of like it. You can save foods that you eat often and just plug them in, so you don't have to scout for points all the time. This is helpful for me especially, since I only eat like 7 things. Also, it really does keep you in check. If you're out of points for the day, you're out. It's right there on the screen, so you can't convince yourself that you've been "pretty good" and "deserve one cookie". Also, I'm getting better sleep, because I often have to call it a night early in order to avoid late-night snacking, one of my many pitfalls.

Anyway. Onward, ho.

Master of my Domain

So, I did get a coat ($31 marked down from $170- pretty good, though I say it myself). And I would say it's relatively current/normal, though I admit that I'm not the best judge of these things. For those of you who want to set me up with What Not To Wear, this will not come as a surprise. Anyway- a much bigger goal attained: While at the Domain, I went to California Pizza Kitchen and did. Not. Eat. Pizza. I'm not sure I can express how uncharacteristic that is for me. I had a diet pepsi and one piece of the table bread (no butter). Okay, I ate one of my mom's crusts. JUST the crust, though. I wonder if they have a point designation for someone else's pizza crust? AND it was at 4:00- the evil hour for dieters everywhere. I'm seriously hungry now, though. When's dinner?

I also bought the wii active today, so I hope that works for me. In Texas, we have like 6 weeks of reasonable outdoor weather per year. Either cold/rainy (another 6 weeks) or blazing hot (the rest of the year). So, an indoor option is something I'm going to need. Also, I can compete with Corbin, who claims a wii fitness age of 25. He's going down.

So. Tomorrow is weigh-in. Yikes!

Shake It

Here's a little somethin' I hadn't given any thought to: Fat people + jumping jacks = very bad things. Or a comedy routine, depending. Oh, man. I jiggled in places I didn't even know I had. Grrrross. I also, inexplicably, started that workout without a bra on (we were having a pajama day, so...). Not a mistake I will make again. Honestly- what could I have been thinking? Maybe I'll just power walk until things are bit more under control.

I know already that I went over my points today, because we had family over for BBQ. I just don't have the heart to go through it and figure out the points tonight. Blah, blah, blah... 50 points, yeah- I get it. I didn't go totally hog wild, but did I eat mac and cheese? Of course.

Penny, I'm with you on the yoga resolution. It feels good and is good for you- not too many things in that category. I used to do hot yoga (no, really, I was once a fit girl!), and I always felt afterward like I was going to die, but was too limber and relaxed to be upset about it. Perfect. The only thing I don't like is the vile hot tea they foist on you afterward. Barf. Just what I wanted after sweating out 47 pounds- a nice toasty beverage.

Okay, so, weekend plans: 1) Find and purchase reasonably current and stylish winter coat (at a deep discount), because every coat I own is either revolting or cast off from family (or both). Also, they are mostly too small, which results in a Chris Farley-esque Fat Man in a Little Coat scenario. 2) Check out them crazy Reebok shoes. I have a feeling that I will spend much time falling on my ass. See, I have NO CORE. Ripped to shreds by 12 pounds of baby, and still hanging out in a flabby diastasis. Bea- I will never, NEVER post pics of my belly. I can barely look at it. I've seen yours lots o' times though, and I would be quite proud if I were you. Post away!

Cabin Fever

So, Corbin already knows he has to work late tonight (1), and (2) all 3 kids have miserable colds, and (3) it's rainy and cold outside. So, we can't go anywhere, can't go outside, everyone is pissy, and my reinforcements are delayed. Aaaargh! I knew yesterday it was going to be like this, so I planned ahead, but little J won't let me put him down, which is throwing a wrench into everything. And the attitude from Miss E... where's a good paddle when you need one? One thing she was really excited about (well, that makes one of us) was that I had an exercise DVD ready to go on my computer to do during baby naps. Well... after giving me an enthusiastic thumbs up during the intro, things quickly deteriorated. "You're so mean... I don't want to exercise with you in here... no, it's NOT like ballet, this is EXERCISE... I'm just going to leave... stop looking at me..." and etc. Really, a constant stream of abuse. Needless to say, baby J was rudely awakened 1 hour into his nap. That should help with the flow of the day.

However, the 10 minutes of the DVD that I got to do looked really mild, but sort of kicked my ass. You pretty much never put your arms down at your sides, which is sooo hard for me. It's from Self. I'll have to see if I can get through it later. Looks good. Not too cheesy. Also, it's already 3:00, and I still have 12 points to go! I wonder how many a snickers is?

Out of the mouths of babes

Miss E spent time today admiring my considerable muffin top. Loaf top? Cake top? Whatever. She said something about how big and super-great it was. Well. Big, certainly, but I have to disagree about the greatness aspect. I cannot WAIT to have the thing lopped off. Just as soon as I lose 50 pounds. Any day now!

So, I'm over on points today (2.5), and I could have made it, had I just turned down that extra piece of french bread. Well, I'll figure it out. Like it's a mystery. Also, I'm hungry all the time, because I insist on eating what I like, just in baby portions. It MIGHT be worth considering actually eating something worthwhile.

In the plus column, I had the chance to organize my bathroom cabinets today, which pleased me inordinately. Really, I get WAY too much satisfaction out of these things. Must get a life. Also, Baby G is sooo into the Glee soundtrack, which she sings all day long, and also commands performances from others. It's my new favorite thing.

Okay, well, the nightly dance party is in full swing. Wonder if I can get exercise points for this?

Day 2: grumble-grumble

Okay, well... today was better. I have to say that I am hungry, though. You don't say. However, I am pleased to announce that I had one leftover point today, so that's good, I guess. I seriously need to build some activity into my day, though. And I would like to know... where on the points list is real-life running after kids? I am often sweating by the time I wrangle them all into clean diapers/panties and clothes for the day. Well, maybe that's more indicative of my out-of-shapeness.

I need to find some bloggy support from other fatties like me (not that I don't appreciate the comments from my skinny minis!). Not even sure how to do that, really. I also need to spend much less time watching the food network at night. Very bad things can happen after watching Diners, Drive-Ins & Dives. Many deep-fried items with bacon and such.

So, my husband is bummed about the lack of sugary snack foods in our house at present (usually, there is much crap to be found). The thing is, I am the one who eats it. He'll eat like one serving or whatever, and then wonder why there isn't any more 4 days later. Well, duh- I didn't get this fat by NOT snarfing down every edible item in the pantry. He is annoyingly slender. 6'3", and I probably weigh more than him (God, I hope not). I tend to think of him as eating whatever he wants, but that's not really true. He skips breakfast, eats a Healthy Choice meal for lunch, and then whatever he wants for dinner. So, while I would not advise this plan as a quasi-nurse, I guess it gets results.

Told Miss E that she's in charge of counting my sit-ups every day while the babies nap. Surely if I leave my fitness in the hands of a preschooler, good things will happen. Anyway... so far, so good, I guess.

Second Verse, Same as the First

February 1st. 10 months after I started (and then immediately abandoned) my weight-loss journey. Ah, well. Oh- and naturally, I am fatter (5 pounds, which brings us to a bone-chilling 192). Kill me now. So, I joined Weight Watchers today, and I already find it annoying. After a while, I guess you get to know what the points are for everything, and how to use the system, but so far, I'm having to search for things like coffee with creamer on the points list. Grr. Also, I sort of made an effort today, but still went over my points allowance. Okay, I'm REALLY tired and pissy, but I hope to feel/sound more gung-ho tomorrow.

So, I'm thinking about those Reebok easy-fit shoes (yes, I would like to be fit and yes, I would like it to be easy...SOLD!). Any thoughts? Also, I have a wii and was wondering if any of the wii fit/wii active thingies are good and/or worth it. Okay, what's with me and the slashes? Again, soooo tired.

So, again... I welcome any and all encouragement, criticism, ass-kicking, shaming, support, ideas, forced cleanses, etc. Giddy-up.