Health care is two words? Huh.

Well, after much more insurance company tomfoolery, we are back on track with baby J's speech therapy. However, said insurance company (jackasses) have given us only 20 visits per year. After that runs out, we'll have to cut back, or shell out $120 a week. I posted a rant about the jackasses on FB, and now all and sundry think I'm a communist (I heart nationalized health care, and I don't care who knows it). Oh, well.

In election news, I am looking forward to voting in a new governor. There was as issue of Texas Monthly recently with Rick Perry on the cover, and the title: The Next President? Shiver me timbers, I certainly hope not. My vote NEVER counts in my county, but I still like to pretend I'm contributing, particularly if my dude (usually) wins. Really, it just gets me called in for jury duty every 6 weeks, but whatever. Rock the vote- or is that too 1992?

So, I'm starting to get the feeling that if I start exercising regularly, my weight loss quest will improve. You don't say. To this end, I have begun accumulating much gear. Almost as important as exercising is the preparatory shopping, no? No. Also, gaining more mastery of the points system. Is it worth it to waste 2 points on 10 m&ms? Yes. Yes it is.

Okay, I keep rereading my post, checking for errors, so as not to enrage HP. Am I okay? Eek!

All Aboard the Crazy Train

Little J: So, I called the neuropsychologist. Well... she does not take ANY kind of insurance, EVER. So, for the pleasure of hearing a diagnosis I already pretty much know and getting referred to services we're already getting, it'll set me back $1800. Right. I guess she only wants wealthy autistic patients from Westlake. Anyway, I got another name from J's speech therapist (and another Dad in the waiting room recommended him also), and we have an appointment. July 27th. Sigh. We're on the list to be called if there's a cancellation (probably with 450 other families), so I hope we can get in sooner. I guess there's just a shortage of docs working in this area, given the demand, which isn't too surprising.

At any rate, Little J continues to do well in therapy, and enjoys singing along (sort of) with the Glee soundtrack. If we could just get him on table food, we'd be good to go. A couple of days ago, we were playing the kissing game (sit with faces in close range, and kisskisskiss until someone gives up- never me), and I thought: Okay- we're okay here. There are some things that are wrong, but there are a lot of things that are right, and the connection is by far the most important thing to me. I'm trying to get to a good place mentally with this whole situation. I mean, he's mostly okay, and if he needs a little extra (or a lot) in some areas, maybe I was meant to be his mom, because I'm in a position to give him more (as a quasi-nurse and SAHM, as opposed to a teenager with no patience or resources). Anyway, I'm working on it.

So, for the weekly AND monthly round up... only 1 pound this week, for a total of 8 for the month (184 from 192). Certainly not awesome, but I guess I'll take it. Obviously, the week before last was a total wash because I was losing my mind. This week, I was doing really well- under on points almost every day. Yeah, except for Saturday. When I went 18 points over. Well, we had cheeseburgers at Mighty Fine for lunch, and I had some adult beverages that night, so there you go. Originally, I had thought: I can lose 12 the first month, 10 the second, then 8 the third, to come out at 30 pounds in the first 3 months. Bwahahaha. I mean, really- this is ME we're talking about. I didn't get fat in 3 months, and I'm sure as hell not getting skinny in 3 months. Crazy talk. Honestly, if I could come near 20 pounds in the first 3 months, I'll be shocked and thrilled.

Also- I'm getting a food scale. I am soooo tired of counting out one ounce of chips or crackers. And I refuse to give up chips and salsa, one of the great pleasures of my life.

Lent

Okay, I've decided to give up freaking out for Lent. I realize that this is not something I can totally control, but I can make a serious effort to tone it WAY down. It's not helping little J, and it's definitely not helping me. So, I doubt I'll be freak-free for an entire month, but I'm going to try.

I've been procrastinating about making the call to set the appointment with the neuropsychologist, but I'm going to do it when I finish this post. Gotta just dive in- what choice to we have? At this point, I'm hoping for: 1- no diagnosis, 2- Asperger's, or 3- mild autism (in that order). It's weird, the things you can hope for in these situations. A new normal sets in so fast. Also, did you hear about this: http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2010/02/100216221350.htm
So, I'm thinking- okay, we might be able to treat the social aspect, and if he's otherwise mildly affected, he can be a happy, healthy kid. Okay, see there? Time to dial down the crazy.

In fat news, I'm at the same weight as last Monday. However, given the stress of the past week (stress = cramming sugar in my face), and considering that it is my special lady time, I plan to be back on track this week. We're having a cold snap this week (so annoying- ready for spring), but I really look forward to walking. I'm on the old school "fresh air fixes everything" bandwagon, and my head could use some serious cleaning out. Not to mention cleaning the junk out of my trunk.

Little Man

Just- thank you all so much.

Here goes

So, the big news of the day is that my mom's ultrasound of her thyroid came back clear. Still waiting on confirmation from the radiologist, but her internist thinks it looks good, so... whew. We've done the whole cancer thing once already, and soooo do not want to go down that road again. So, now the question is- what IS going on in there? Whatever it is, it's not a malignancy, so I'll take it.

The other thing is this: It's looking pretty likely that baby J is autistic. Both his pediatrician and his speech therapist are strongly suspicious, and I myself have been worried for a while. He's 2 and not talking much (though making great progress in speech therapy). He makes eye contact, but not as well as the girls. He likes to spin toys (or used to, anyway- he sort of dropped that), fixates on toys, plays by himself. Anyway- lots of little things. He's such a smiley, cuddly baby, and so connected to me, and that's the thing that's keeping me up at night. Am I going to wake up one day, and the little boy that I know will just be gone? No connection, no light in his eyes? Will he come home from kindergarten crying that he can't learn something, or can't make friends like the other kids? I don't know what to expect. The spectrum is huge. I'm constantly choking back tears, trying to keep it together. I mean, it's not leukemia, right? I can do special needs, no problem. I'm just terrified that he's going to disappear right in front of me. Or grow up terribly sad and isolated. Oh God, I'm afraid of everything. I'm so afraid and sad, I can barely breathe.

So. Next step is the appointment with the neuropsychologist. I'm hoping she'll toss us out of her office and scold us for wasting her time, but I doubt it. I think it will be better to know, one way or the other.

Maybe

Well, I got a very disappointing "maybe/probably" (when I was praying for a "no way") for stressful item number one on this week's schedule. Item two is tomorrow, and it's a big one. A big, fat NO is REQUIRED, so send out your good vibes for my vague issues. I'll tell all later, but I don't want to spill the beans until all is said and done, and hopefully over.

Weigh in this morning was 185, from 187.5 last week, which gives me 2.5 for the week (more than I deserve, given the Valentine meal) and 7 total since the 1st. Honestly, I could care less. With everything else, I just want to sleep or read or escape my brain in some way. I ate a comfort food lunch, but it's not a super bad one. Just a revolting family macaroni dish (very likely dating back to the depression- has that sort of making-do-ramshackle quality). Corbin's bag-o-temptation remains on the kitchen counter, and I feel like sticking my head in it.

Did I mention that it's my premenstrual psychosis week? That always helps me keep a reasonable perspective on things. What else can I whine about? On the plus side, Miss E's love affair with my midsection continues. She was gazing fondly at it while I was getting dressed yesterday. Me: What are you doing? Her: Looking at your belly. Me: Yeah? Whaddya think? Her: It's... ADORABLE! God, I love her.

Pretty Boring, Honestly

So, tomorrow is weigh-in. Eek! I already know to set my expectations low, because I splurged a bit on Saturday (our Valentine date). My meal was reasonable (grilled chicken and steamed veggies- yawn- such a cliche). But, we had a fatty appetizer and a fatty dessert. And I wasted 7 precious points on a very mediocre margarita. Wine is 2, and a much safer bet, quality-wise. God, I'm soooo boring, talking about points all the time. Last thing- I've been under on points for the rest of the week, so I hope that counts for something. Otherwise, it's back to the brownies. I ain't doing this for nothing.

The wii active is pretty good. At first, I chose the fatty avatar (certainly the most fitting), but as I have to watch her from behind all the time, it was too depressing, and I went for the second-to-fattiest one. Basically, it's the 30 day challenge from that Oprah workout guy. Today was ALL lunges and squats. I may never walk again. Still, it worked for Oprah! Look at her, she's in the best shape of her... oh, wait. Hmmm...

Corbin got me a schmancy new iPod for Valentine's Day. Sure blows my shuffle out of the water! I'm hoping for some (at least) mild weather so I can get going with it. Still need my wobbly shoes too. One of the things I got him was a big gift bag full of peanut m&ms (his fav) which is now pulsing away in the kitchen, like the tell tale heart. He needs to get that thing out of the house.

I feel like I have a few too many things going on right now that I'm keeping to myself, and I've started biting my nails again (which I quit in the 10th grade). I'm not sleeping the best, and I hope that- well, I don't know what I hope. That everything will just turn out fine/go away. I have the sensation of only just keeping the lid on my hysteria. Really should find a yoga class (like that would fix everything). A couple of question marks could potentially be answered this week, so here's hoping.